He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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