On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Found your dick twin last night
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize