I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
