I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
he was CRYING into my vagina
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Randomize
