i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize
