Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Randomize
