It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
