I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
