you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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