Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
