and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
