I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
