My underwear smells like fireworks.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
