Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
