You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
