im six kinds of drunk right now
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
