Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
