I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
be right there i have to get my cape
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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