is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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