Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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