I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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