Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
