I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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