Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i think i have two assholes
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
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