there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
