I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
