why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
