We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
