u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
