Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
