honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
