i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize