youre lurking in front of me
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
