Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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