Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
