I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
