last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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