Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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