somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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