Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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