Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
