Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Randomize
