How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Randomize
