I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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