Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
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Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
