if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
