I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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