im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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