but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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