The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
