Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Randomize
