if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Randomize