I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
