Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i think my mom watched the whole time
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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