Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
