its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
