I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
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