i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
