my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
