Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
