if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
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