whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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