you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Randomize
