ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
When / where did the additional couches appear?
Additional?
James brought one with him when he showed up. Theres still 2 outside and according to facebook, at least one more burned up.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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